| (BTW, did NOT expect it to be this long) Part of me aches that I've been away from home for so long. Lately it's just been such a crazy mix of disappointments, pleasant surprises, and relief that at least SOME things are the way I remembered them. Home, as in my house, has become cold. I was so shocked to come home and see that my family doesn't even eat dinner together anymore. My step-mom leaves food in the fridge and you just eat whenever you want to. I couldn't tell over the phone, but my dad has put so much space between me and him; it's almost like he's scared to talk to me. He spends all his time outside or in his study room, and rarely comes out. He tells me that he's "too busy" to take me anywhere; and even when I tried to tempt him by turning on the Laker game super loud, he just walked by to check the score and went back in. I'm sad that he has agreed to take my sister to church under the condition that she has to take on extra chores. It's not fair that he doesn't tell us where he's going or what he's doing. It's been so hard to give him the benefit of the doubt and to tell myself that he still loves me; that my sister and I aren't just a burden. When did we become strangers? I was always the bubbly one, but I did not see this coming when I left. It's such a strange phenomenon; this is not the home I remember. I almost get chills when I realize how distant everyone is. There is too much that is unsaid, and there are SO MANY WALLS that I'm starting to feel claustrophobic. RELIEF: relationships with my friends =) Karaoked with Susan (which I'm still not sure what to do with the silly videos we recorded LOL), and spending time with her was like a breath of fresh air. Drove down to SD with Jess (and came to the conclusion that SD people are WEIRD hahaha jkjk) and it blew me away how much we could still catch up on. Lokyee...is just Lokyee. LOL. It was fun watching her sing; she's definitely the best one in the Beat (Melanie's not bad either). Sometimes I wonder how long it'll last before we become distant too, but these past couple days put my mind at ease; just a couple minutes with them reminds me of how much I really missed them. I love my besties. <3 I was pleasantly surprised to come back to my beloved home church and find so many new faces! I love meeting new people, and everytime I come back I'm just delighted to see growth in new and old members =) When I came back in December I met Luther and Luke, and they've grown so much. Last night there were so many that it's all a blur, but they're really funny! :) I remember Nathan because he said something like "I feel on the same page!" and "I want a cute little pomogranite" and Jeff because he only knows me as "Clement's ex girlfriend" LOL. I'd forgotten how hilarious high schoolers are. Then there are oldies like Carrie and Alison, Clement, Rebecca and Cathy, Iris, PJ and Jen, and Mat that make me feel soooooo welcome everytime I'm home. I'm so delighted when I think about my church =) Thank you Jesus for such a loveable community. One thing I wasn't anticipating was how acutely aware of my singleness I would be. And this isn't anyone's fault, but everyone around me just seems to be in a relationship (and waking up to pictures of my sister and her bf all around her wall almost seems cruel). It's been okay in general, but I think there are definitely moments. Since being home (for like, 5 days) I've felt insecure, inadequate, vulnerable, lacking in faith, and just kind of emo. lol. I struggle to remind myself that Jesus has committed Himself to me, and He is enough. "I am my Beloved's and He is mine" - that is His promise to me :) It really boils down to a battle of the mind. Satan is so good at getting me to play the self-pity card and sink into that depression, but I think God is teaching me to strengthen my mind and learn to REJECT thoughts. We often think that we can't control what we think about because it just comes in, but that's definitely a lie. I've been learning to rebuke thoughts that I know aren't from God, and at first they keep coming back, but James said "Resist the devil, and he will flee from you" (4:7). It's been a huge battle, but He has promised victory, freedom, and release, so I will take that and just bask. :) Though we hear sermons and messages about how a Christian should think, we don't hear enough about how to PROTECT a Christian's thought life. We need to learn to say NO to loneliness because we know that God is always with us (Matthew 28:20? or 20:28?). We need to learn to say NO to depression because we know that it is REASONABLE to rejoice all the time (Philippians 4). We need to learn to say NO to anger, because Jesus commands us to forgive many many times. We need to learn to say NO to self-hatred because we are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139). God brings us through hardships and trials, but I feel like a lot of the emotions we feel (not ALL of them, sometimes we have to experience sorrow and brokenness) are totally unnecessary. Haha, this coming from THE drama queen. :) Anyway, the point is, let's CONQUER our minds! It's a HUGE victory if we can do it! =) <3 -emily PS: While I'm waiting for UCLA / SD people to finish school, HANG OUT WITH ME! :) :) |
